Kimberly Peil

Love… What Love?

In Uncategorized on June 22, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Life has been hectic, to say the least.  Lately I have been overwhelmingly stressed, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I see people’s posts on Facebook, or talk to friends and I have this feeling that we are so far behind.  I don’t know what the “standard” really is, but I find it difficult to cope when people are going on trips, or even buying simple things like shoes…  I am sitting at home applying for night jobs, clipping coupons (and not because it is fun), and researching 5 different recipes for beans and rice to get us through the week.  Everything within me wants to kick in those bastard’s teeth who sent us spiraling down this dark hole.  I know I can’t place all the blame on someone else, but it would feel really good to get some of this aggression out.


It has been a slow adjustment moving to Beaverton.  The past two months I kind of locked myself up in our apartment, so I could wallow in my self-pity.  But two weeks ago we did finally decide to try out a church– Solid Rock… and I think last week’s sermon was exactly what I needed.  Corinthians 13.  I know I have heard this passage preached on at least a dozen times, and I am pretty sure even most non-Christians have heard it a time or two at a wedding.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I don’t know why, but this time it hit me a lot harder than usual.  Most of the time I think, Oh what a nice verse about Love… but this time I was really convicted.  Love is BEING patient.  I swear I lose it every day with my precious little girl.  Love does not envy.  Yeah, definitely struggling with that on a daily basis.  I envy simple things like pedicures at a salon, a car that isn’t 15 years old, a house that fits our family comfortably.  Love is not proud.  I often find myself being too proud to admit to friends that I just can’t go out to lunch, or I can’t go shopping… if I do, then I won’t have money for groceries.  Love is not angry.  I am so angry at the company and the people that sent us down this path.  How do I love these people?  And Love apparently hopes and perseveres as well.  Yeah, I pretty much get a big fat F in Love.

So I hear this sermon and I so desperately want these attributes.  I am trying, praying, knowing I can’t do this on my own.  I am so thankful for an amazing husband and beautiful girl.  I am trying to hold it together for their sakes.  I live in a 460-unit apartment complex, and so I need to look at reality  and realize that we aren’t alone.  There are many families here too.  I don’t know what their stories are, but perhaps they have had some of the same struggles as us.  Not everybody has nice houses, new cars or even new shoes.  So I just need to take a deep breath, hug my baby and my husband and know that someday (even if it is 10 years down the road), things will be different.  And until they are, I still need to be happy so that I can enjoy my time with my Ells and my Hubs.

  1. I share your struggle. And being part of my MOMS Club is a huge slap in the face every day. We can’t afford private school. I can’t sign up my kids for every stinking camp that pops up on the calendar. I can’t stop by Starbucks and grab my girlfriend a coffee, just to brighten up her day. And I can only go with a girlfriend to get a pedi if I have a gift certificate. I would LOVE to do all of those things whenever I want, but it just isn’t our reality.
    Just last month I was DREADING discussing Ella’s party details with Mike. Why? This should be a milestone that I look forward to planning with my husband. Wrong! I have all of these plans and all Mike sees are dollar signs (or that is the way I always perceive it). I told him about a cake I wanted to buy and he said “can’t you make cupcakes?”. I told him about another gift I wanted to buy and he said “she will be getting enough gifts from friends and family”. I told him about a space I would love to rent someday, knowing we can’t afford it now, and he said “the park is free”. SIGH! I lost it. My poor, poor husband!!!! Here I am pouting about a birthday party when he is worrying about our finances. He just looked at me and said, “I don’t want to be losing money every month”. Okay. I get it. I appreciate that ONE of us can be responsible and not just live in the now. He is thinking about our future. It doesn’t ease the day-to-day struggle of keeping up with the Jonses. It just doesn’t.
    I am glad you have found a church that is challenging you. We think about you guys and hope you are adjusting well. I loved your honesty in this post, because too often people don’t express that they can’t keep up with everyone else and just get into financial trouble because they try to. It sounds like you guys are being responsible with what the Lord has given you and I hope that you are able to heal from the negative experience you have had with H’s work.

  2. Kim,
    I for sure thought you had stopped blogging, but occasionally I like to come and check if you still update. I had no clue you felt this way. So many times I feel like just writing a personal blog post about the things I struggle with or things I get depressed about, but instead I just hide it with pretty because I think that’s what people would prefer to see or read about. Seriously, if you ever need to talk I think it’d be good for the both of us.

  3. A book my small group is reading has you replace the word love with your name in that passage of scripture, and that had been speaking to me a lot these past few weeks!

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