Kimberly Peil

Archive for the ‘Everyday Thoughts’ Category

Re-approaching Pregnancy & Birth

In Babies and Such, Everyday Thoughts, Uncategorized on February 16, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Almost a year ago one of the most joyous and yet most tragic events happened to me.  I gave birth to my baby girl… via c-section.  I know when some of you read that first sentence you want to vomit, or scream at me, or even smack me.  I have gotten a lot of backlash for my feelings about my birth experience.  I am often told that so many people have it worse.  Whether it is a “worse” experience or the fact that they can’t have children altogether.  I have had a year to mull over my feelings and beat myself up for what happened.  Beat myself up for being so ungrateful about how I gave birth to my daughter.  But the more I think about it the more I feel that I was entitled to my feelings.  No one should make me feel like my situation and my feelings are insignificant or less than someone else’s.  I am so thankful for my little girl, and wouldn’t trade her for a million perfect pregnancies and birth stories, but how I felt was still real.  When you go through 2 1/2 days of Pitocin, over 50 hours of real labor (without an epidural), and finally succumb to the harsh reality that they are going to go in and jerk your baby out of you, then we can talk.

What has been even more amazing is to know that I am not crazy… and I am not alone.  There have even been clinical studies showing the relationship between unplanned c-sections and postpartum depression and even PTSD.  If you care to have a deeper understanding, check it out here.

I am actually doing fantastic now.  But Hunter and I have been talking about having another baby, and I guess this has started to bring up some feelings again.  Before I had Ella I was very passionate about natural birth.  Not because I feel like it is a competition or that I have something to prove.  I really, truly believe that drugs and chemicals have life-altering affects.  Do I think the 50+ hours of Pitocin had an effect on Ella?  Yes I do.  I may not know how exactly yet, but I still believe this to be true.  It’s okay… you don’t have to agree with me.  We can still be friends.  After all, I am the one who chose to be induced when I was 2 weeks late.

Whew!  So now that I have that off of my chest…  I have a lot to think about when it comes to possibly getting pregnant again.  I had completely put the whole birth thing on a shelf after Ella.  Then about a month ago I started to revisit what had really happened to me.  I finally watched a video (thanks YouTube) of a live c-section.  Um, Yikes!  I started reading articles on VBAC’s versus repeat c-sections.  And although “The Business of Being Born” has been playing over and over in my head for the past year, I gave it another once over.

If I am blessed enough to get pregnant again, I will shoot for a VBAC, au naturel.   If things progress differently though, I will be open this time.  And I will give the situation to God.  Somehow I thought I was in control with my pregnancy with Ella.  I controlled everything I did and ate.  I was so set on how I was going to give birth.  I think I had set myself up for failure.  But I believe that we were meant to give birth a certain way, and I don’t buy it that my body just “isn’t quite made for it.”  God made it, and he allowed me to get pregnant.  He’ll be there when I give birth too (and I know he was last time!).

A few moments after I found out I would be having a c-section.

And finally seeing my beautiful baby girl for just a few brief moments, before I started convulsing and vomiting from the medication.

I have a beautiful little girl and she is a constant reminder that I don’t want to go through this again.  I want to be there for her and for our future children… both physically and emotionally.  I think people tend to forget that emotional health is just as important as physical health.

Back at the Gym

In Everyday Thoughts on September 8, 2010 at 9:25 pm
For those of you that don’t know, Hunter and I took a little break from the gym over the summer.  I convinced him that it would be nice outside, and that I would work out and walk at the park more than I would go to the gym.  Plus, it would save us a little money.  Well, I am pretty sure I can count on both hands the number of times I actually “worked out” on my own.  And that money we saved… yeah, I have no idea where it went.  So we are back at the gym again and I am pumped!
Of course, I have been hearing everybody rave about Zumba for a while now, so I decided to give it a go.  And 30 minutes in, I was pretty sure I was going to die!  It was pretty pathetic considering I have a dance background.  I felt like an old, stiff, inexperienced dancer… It was sad really.  But I’m not ready to give up quite yet.  I’ll give it another go.  And definitely do a lot of stretching in the meantime.
On another note, and for those of you who don’t live in Salem (because if you do, I am sure you have seen the West Gym), I will give you a little peek at what our gym looks like.  The first time I saw the remodel, it made me wish that my senior design project had been a gym, instead of a lousy hotel.  I think they did a beautiful job.

Now if only they had a coffee bar, it would be perfect.

Almost September

In Everyday Thoughts, Miscellaneous on August 30, 2010 at 10:55 pm

I love an overcast and cloudy Oregon day.  Okay, that may not be entirely true.  I love them right at the beginning of fall.  The temperatures are still lukewarm, and the trees are still green.  Of course, 5 1/2 years ago, when I moved to LA, I detested the gray skies.  That was one of the main reasons I headed to sunny SoCal.  But now that I am back in Oregon, I have come to appreciate about 50 of the cloudy days out of what seems like 300.

To celebrate the beginning of fall, Ella and I did what we do best:  we went shopping!  We headed to Carter’s to buy her a fall wardrobe.  Their clothes aren’t exactly original, but they are inexpensive and sturdy.  Children grow out of them too fast for anything else to matter.

So it’s almost September.  The summer has flown by and I am most definitely ready for some change.  I am one of those people who loves change.  I am always giddily anticipating the next exciting event in life.  I guess that is why it is almost September for me, and not just the “end of August.”  What exactly is in store for us this fall?  I know Ella will be crawling.  I will hopefully re-join the gym after a long work out sabbatical.  And Hunter will be starting classes.  Those are just some of the small things we have to look forward to.  I know there are even greater things in store for us, but for now we will keep those between us and God… and of course we will fill you in as they happen.